I'm a Glutton for Deprivation

I'm sleep deprived right now. Being sleep deprived really is the best kind of deprivation--much better than carne asada burrito deprived or heavy summer rain deprived or even fat baby nephew deprived...

Does it mean that he's iron-deprived if he enjoys chomping on blankets?

But anyway, if I have to be deprived of something, I definitely choose sleep, because the funniest things happen to me when I'm running low on zees. For example...

Couches totally collapse...

Previously sane (well, moderately sane) people turn into pirates...

...the pirateage continues...



...and people get eaten by giant reptiles at the Phoenix Zoo...

So do yourself a favour and lose some sleep this summer. You'll thank me for the advice after the pictures have been taken.

I Guarantee This WILL Change Your Life...

I was so incredulous. Poor Kyle told me it would be amazing, but I did not believe. He's been talking about this crap for the past few days--he ate some chewy sour candy and it reminded him of his childhood, which in turn reminded him of Magic Mud, which is evidently the I-Ching of all childhood recipes for entertainment. And which we needed to make in my sister's pristine kitchen--pronto.

So tonight, as I despaired over my blogger's block, Poor Kyle said, "Now would be a good time to make Magic Mud. You'll love it, and you can blog about that."

"Oh, would you quit with the Magic Mud already," I whined, "it couldn't possibly be as good as you remember."

Well, as luck would have it, I was wrong [shocked, are you?], and now I've got to eat mud (Magic Mud, even) in front of the whole e-world:

And so you see: Magic Mud will change your life. Make it--you won't regret it.

Magic Mud
-2 parts corn starch (the dollar store type will suffice)
-1 part water

Mix corn starch and water in bowl. Enjoy.

But a word of caution: I've kind of become obsessed with this stuff. I'm thinking kiddie pool in the backyard, garden hose, and 20 boxes of cornstarch. Stay tuned for that exciting update!

{I Self-Medicate With Cardboard Pizza}

When one's husband accuses one of being addicted to one's laptop, there is nothing to do but eat really cheap pizza.

I don't know what it is about being in a bad mood that makes me crave crappy food, but it's as real a symptom of my life as periods are a symptom of not being pregnant (and thank heavens). At any rate, I have a bag of 5 flavourless pepperoni pizzas that I bought at Wal-Mart Superstore™ for, like, $3.00, on hand for just such an occasion.

Ooh, individually wrapped!! Unnecessary packaging. And I call myself "green."

So when I woke up from my Sunday nap at 9 p.m. (bad idea, taking a nap so late), and went straight to check my email, only to be told that I am addicted to the computer [an accusation which hurt, if you want to know the truth], it was in the kitchen that I sought my solace. I even put some extra shredded mozza on top of the "pizza" before baking, as if I honestly expected that to make it any better; it didn't.

It barely even resembles food.

But that's the joy of it, I think. Imagine: food so deliciously lousy that not even an extra inch of the world's simplest and most delicious cheese can make it more palatable--well, to me that is comfort food at its finest. No pretenses. No putting on airs. No making me feel inadequate with fancy French words like blanché or soufflé or tartelette. And that's what this pizza is all about--making people like me feel better about ourselves by sheer comparison.

Yes, I might be addicted to checking my email to see if anyone commented on my latest post, but at least I don't taste like dirty socks. Perhaps it's true that I care too much about my online life--but at least nobody bought me at Wal-Mart for $3.00 plus GST. And so what if I open my laptop every morning before I even get out of bed? Eating this sorry excuse for food makes me feel so much better about it.

Buy a bag. You won't be sorry. Another bonus? Cardboard pizza therapy is so much cheaper than other kinds of retail therapy (i.e. shoes).

{Celebrate Good Times}

Guess what? You'll never guess, so I'll spit it out. This is my 100th post on Archives of Our Lives. (Every time I write "Archives of Our Lives," I feel like the word "our" should not be capitalised, because it's so short. It doesn't seem important enough to get its own upper-case "O." [Being six feet tall, I am occasionally prone to further demoting short things in my life--it makes me feel good about myself.] But "our" is not an article, so I guess it deserves its rightful capitalisation. But I'll never be happy about it.)

I have been wanting to do a blog giveaway for a long time, but haven't found a good enough reason to. My 100th post seems like as good a time as any. It's only fair to try and reward people-who-read-my-blog [I can't call you "my readers," because that makes me sound a lot fancier than I really am], for providing me with feedback and validation. If I thought nobody ever read Archives of Our Lives, I wouldn't continue with it--I write so people will tell me I'm a good writer, not just to vent like our friend Emily Dickinson did. I think it's really exciting that real, live people might actually want to read something I write. (Also, in an attempt to gain further validation, I am hoping a giveaway will make people come out of the woodworks and comment, perhaps congratulating me on my hundredth post...or just saying "hello.")

So here's how it works:

1) Comment on this post. Make it clever, witty, or at least interesting to read. I will choose the cleverest, wittiest, or funniest commenter and reward said commenter with a $25.00 gift card to said commenter's choice of establishment (i.e. amazon.com, iTunes, Best Buy, or a lunch-y place like Applebee's).

2) Commenter ought to then mention this giveaway somewhere on their own blog, because that seems like a nice thing to do. And being nice is what I'm all about... If any commenter doesn't have a blog of their own, then obviously, it isn't necessary to mention the giveaway. They could write about it in their journal, if they wanted to, but that doesn't really do me any good. Nevertheless, anyone witty can win, blog-keeper or not.

3) That's it!

If anyone is worried that he or she is too boring to possibly win the clever comment contest, he or she ought to still comment, because I am also giving away a $15.00 gift card to one lucky random winner--boring or not. Same guidelines apply.

So, comment. Just do it. What have you got to lose?

p.s. Though my blog archives may only read "99 Posts," I am counting the little gem I wrote and subsequently deleted last month whilst visiting my family in Arizona. It was all about keeping Mayberry...Mayberry; it may well have been one of my best works. If there are two things I regret about my life, they are playing the piano instead of the flute for Junior Miss during my senior year of high school, and deleting the "Mayberry" post from my blog.

The Doctor is {IN}

In Arizona, spring has already sprung. We're a whole month behind here in Canada, and it's not looking hopeful. Oh, sure, the sky is bright cheerful blue today, but I've played this game--it's called Spring Hasn't Really Sprung and You're a Sucker for Thinking Otherwise. I'm not keen on playing it again. I always lose.

It seems like everyone I know is sick, whether from Arizona's Springtime allergies, or Canada's Wintertime coldness (and by "coldness" I do mean sub-freezing).

"It's that bug that's going around," or so I'm told. What is with this rationalisation? Why do people feel the need to make excuses for their poor health? Why can't we just take responsibility for our actions? If I get sick, it's because I washed my hair and left home without drying it--or without wearing a hat. If I catch a cold, it's because I haven't kept myself warm enough. If I get the flu, I need to pay more attention to the germy surfaces I'm touching, and disinfect accordingly. There is no good reason why we all can't come out of winter without becoming ill. Take vitamins! Drink Airborne! Wear socks! Eat three round meals a day! Own your life!

Of course most kids don't have the capacity to consciously maintain their good health on their own--that's what their parents are for. [And that's one of the main reasons I don't have kids.] Also, I don't mean that I think people can avoid all illnesses whatsoever. Some just *pop* up--like the chicken pox (chicken pocks? hmmm...), or shingles, or the bird flu...or...you know...cancer. But those minor colds should be a no-brainer by now. Don't catch a cold, for heavens' sake, and if you do, own up to it--nobody really buys it when you defend yourself with the old "It's going around" line. As if it was completely out of your control.

If you have neglected your health and are under the weather, here is a list of must-haves to make your time in bed as pleasant as possible (and I do mean pleasant).

1. 3-Ply Kleenex infused with Aloe Vera and Vitamin E. "Pure Heaven for Your Nose," they claim, and I believe that. [Though a more preventative choice would be Kleenex Anti-Viral. But it's too late for that by now, I presume.]

2. Vitamins E, C, and D, for various scientific reasons I don't feel like explaining. And Calcium Citrate [it has to be Calcium Citrate, not the kind from oysters or horse hooves], for women between the age of 13 and Still Alive. Protect your bones, ladies...protect your bones. I prefer Citrical.

3. Gatorade, if you've been throwing up. Something about the electrolytes and mega-goodness in Gatorade is supposed to re-hydrate the dehydrated. [Though if I was ever sick enough to stay home from school, whether or not I was actually throwing up and dehydrated, my dad always brought me fancy tissues and purple Gatorade. It heals all wounds, truly.]

4. Airborne. It might be a hoax--it might not. But why risk it? As for me and my self, we will buy into anything Oprah endorses. You should, too. Oprah for President 2012!

5. Pillow, blanket, mattress, and blackout curtains. If you don't have blackout curtains, bury your head in your pillow, blanket, and mattress (leaving a peep-hole for breathing) and pretend. Sleep will come. And it will be very healing when it does.