Archives of Our Lives

{a narrow and broad look into the lives of people I love}

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Hello, My Name is Fickle.

*Warning: Long Post. Worthwhile, but long.*

October 20th will be the first anniversary marking the marriage between Poor Kyle and Me.

Today is the third anniversary of the day we met. October 13, 2005. I remember it like yesterday...

...but instead of recalling the story in its entirety (yawn) for you today, I will sum it up like this:

I moved to Canada, where there was a boy with a big head. He introduced me to a boy who spoke French. Frenchie introduced me to Poor Kyle. I moved back to Arizona. Two years later (almost to the day) we got married. I moved back to Canada again.

One year later, I wrote this post.

But the union wasn't all smooth-sailing. In fact, some of the roughest waters of my life, I forged during those three years.

You know, come to think of it, there's really no way you could understand how we got to this point, without going into at least a little bit of detail. So this is what I'll do: Provide an ultra-condensed version, taken directly from excerpts from my journal (read: my life history). Except for name changes and present-day perspectives, which will be indicated by [brackets]. You can skip to just the pictures and captions, if you'd like--I mean, it's not like you don't know how it ended. But if some of you think you might enjoy this peek into my helter-skelter mind, this post is for you.

So with no further ado...

The True Saga of Poor Kyle and Camille

October 20, 2005
...So Friday night [Frenchie] showed up, with his friend Kyle, to our chips and salsa night. It was lots of fun getting to know [Frenchie] more, and the initial meeting of Kyle (who is so funny, and I like a lot). The next night we had an odd array of people over for more Mexican food. [Frenchie] and Kyle came back, along with [Boy 1] and several girls I didn't know. Needless to say, it was a pretty awkward night. Eventually, though, the crowd dispersed and I was again left in peace...

October 2005--the selfsame weekend I met Poor Kyle.

November 4, 2005
...Well so much for [Frenchie]! The verdict is...I have a lot to thank [Boy 1] for because he introduced me to [Frenchie], who in turn caused me to meet Kyle, who is a splendid--truly splendid--chap...

November 10, 2005
MONUMENTAL DECISION! I'm staying in Canada for an [unexpected] second semester. I'm staying. I really am. I'm staying, regardless of 1) what Lindsey says, 2) what Chelsie says, 3) what my family says, and 4) what happens with Kyle--even if he thinks I'm a major dork, I'm staying. I told him the big news. He didn't seem too excited, which threw me for a loop, because he'd made such a big deal out of wanting to know... The evening ended so awkwardly. I think my problem is that too many people are involved with this relationship. Like if I hear from people that he likes me, or his family likes me, then I have to try harder to keep up the good graces.

But it shouldn't be like that. If I start out being myself (as I make a point to do), then there's really no need to change...

November 20, 2005
...He kissed me. [By the way, this was the quickest meet-to-kiss I'd ever had with a guy. One month seemed way too quick, but when he went in for the kill, I found myself surprisingly untraumatised. I took that as a sign.] For the first time in my dating life, I didn't feel like the guy was slobbering all over me on our first kiss... And it was not drawn out. Just perfect, really. Not too short, not to long. And I absolutely knew it was going to be that way...

A few weeks into our budding relationship.

December 16, 2005
[DTR!!!] ...On the way home from [Mayberry] I FINALLY worked up the nerve to approach Kyle with my marriage woes. I honestly had no idea how he'd take it. I told him how all my ideal marriage age had always been 25--six years away. Then I tried to explain that my theories were changing as of late, but he could only focus on the "25" issue... He said he was indeed heading down the marriage trail, and so it was good I shared my thoughts with him... Am I going to marry Kyle? It's a possiblity...

1 January, 2006
...It's just that, nice or not, I simply cannot allow myeslf to believe I'm in love with a boy I'd never heard of two months ago...

9 January, 2006

...He is so totally ready to be married and I am so fully NOT. Why is my timing always SO FAR OFF? What will this year bring? What do I even WANT it to bring? Ach...

16 January, 2006
HUGE! MONUMENTAL! Today, for the first time in my life, I told a boy I loved him. Kyle, of course, and I should stop calling him a boy. Except if he's not a boy then he's a man, and if he's a man then I'm a WOMAN and that is frighful indeed.

14 February, 2006
...Kyle hates me...

24 February, 2006
...Kyle is NOT my best friend.
[What am I, eight years old?] I like him, and I love him, but at this point I could live without him. I don't think I can marry him...

20 March, 2006
...So when he said "I love you" I figured it was as good a time as any to say "Let's get married." I wasn't expecting what he said next. He told me he wasn't sure anymore if it was right! It was so insane because he'd been the one going crazy to know. SUCH a transformation... We didn't come to any conclusions.

Snapped a few moments before he decided we shouldn't get married after all.

22 March, 2006
...I feel like we are in a relationship RUT...

9 April, 2006
...I guess I can totally blame myself. But I really don't want to. I would much rather blame our troubles (not even married and we already have troubles!) on his poor communication skills.

11 April, 2006
...I've come to the conclusion that Kyle doesn't know me at all. Or he knows me but he doesn't care about me. Oh, I know he says he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he really does.

27 April, 2006
...Perhaps Kyle and I should see other people this summer while I'm in AZ and he's in Canada...

And then we stayed together...

28 April, 2006
...Okay, so I didn't EXACTLY move on the idea that we should see other people this summer. Instead, we decided not to decide anything right away. I'm back in Mesa, and when I'm here and with my family, it's easy for me to forget all about moving back to Canada. Like maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. But maybe not??

All Summer of 2006
CONFUSED. Keep dating? Stop dating? Get along. Disagree. Best friends. Hardly talk anymore. Back and forth. On and on. Meh. Decided not to move back to Canada in the fall.

10 August, 2006
...Broke up with Kyle. I am not happy. In fact I can very much say that I am quite as miserable as I have ever been...

30 August, 2006
..Kyle came to visit. He loves me. I told him I'm still not 100% sure about us getting engaged. He doesn't like that I'll be open to dating other guys, but he says he'll wait for me to figure myself out...

2 October, 2006
I'm engaged! Haven't set a date. I'm thinking next fall. Kyle's thinking this week...

6 November, 2006
...We killed our dog today...

13 November, 2006
...There have been some really neat developments with me moving abroad to work as a nanny. A few families from Belgium seem really nice, and I've already started emailing one. I really want to do this. It's something I'll be able to look back on when I'm married; an experience I'll never forget. I don't want to be old and bitter that I never got to see the world before I settled down. I'm trying to do everything I can to get it all going. My biggest fears of going are 1) That my unwell grandpa might die while I'm gone even though he promised he'd be at my wedding in October, 2) That things will be harder between Kyle and me, and 3) that I might get molested by a Frenchman.

13 December, 2006

Maybe I won't be a good wife. Maybe I shouldn't marry Kyle.

10 January 2007
A lot of people ask me how I can move to EUROPE when I'm engaged to be married. I wonder if it means I'm not a good person, or if I shouldn't get married yet. I mean, I guess they're right. If I was totally hyped to get married, why would I take off to Europe for several months. It's not like I even had it planned before I got engaged!

12 January 2007
Four days from now I will move to Belgium. I don't know what posessed me to do this. I'm terrified. What if it's the most horrible experience of my life? What if I get molested and can't get to my pepper spray in time? What if it's the wrong thing to do??

18 January, 2007
I am in Brussels, Belgium. It's amazing.

I can do kids, as long as Europe is involved. Though technically, this photo was taken in London. On the Eye.

14 February, 2007
Maybe it's taking me so long to be ready for marriage because before, I tuned out everything I heard on the subject. I hated the thought so much that now, the time has come for me to recognise my feelings, and I have no idea what I'm looking for! And I thought last V-day was bad. This one really beats all.

5 March, 2007
I've just had some awful news. Grandpa is dying. I need to go home to be there for this. I'm not sure what to do, but I know I have to be there.

8 March, 2007
My grandpa died tonight. I made it home just in time. I am so grateful I was here. I will never regret my decision. Kyle is coming tomorrow. I wish I had asked him to come sooner. I know he would have been here for me.

Summer 2007
Went back to Belgium. Worried about marrying Kyle. Love Kyle. Scared of marriage. Too young for kids. Moved back to AZ to plan a wedding.

2 September, 2007
For the first time since we got engaged, I've had a confirmation and a sure knowledge that marrying him is right. Of COURSE I will marry him. But I just realised I don't know his handwriting. All this time we've been apart, we only ever email and iChat. This is bad and must be remedied.

5 September, 2007
I'm getting more excited to marry Kyle with every passing day.

9 September, 2007
I have been so SAD lately. It might just be all the extra estrogen, OR it could be the fact that in 41 days I'm getting married, and moving away a week later. Don't misunderstand: I'm glad to get married--thrilled, really. The moving part is...harder to accept.

4 October, 2007
Kyle is the man I'm going to marry. I've learned so much about myself since meeting him--so much about LIFE. I am happy when I'm with him.

I'm not the kind of girl who says sappy things like "I can't even picture myself without him." I can. I could, if I wanted to, picture myself single and alone in the world. Maybe in New York, maybe in Paris...a Yuppie, to be sure. But it's not what I want--at least, those dreams are not my priority anymore. Family is what's important. Life would have so little meaning without families.

Kyle is my family.


...And that was the last time I ever questioned getting married. It was touch-and-go for, oh, about two years there. But once I finally figured things out, we were golden.

Anyway, there's a reason I call Poor Kyle "Poor Kyle." And now you know exactly what it is. Happy Anniversary to Us.

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Blogger lindser-lou said...

this is wonderful camille! i loved getting a deep look into your personal thinkings! You think like i do!!! shame on me for not writing it all down tho, part of me doesnt want to remember the wretched part of my life when i was engaged. so maybe thats why.
but congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! this is very exciting!!!

October 14, 2008 at 7:43 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Cute post Camille! I enjoyed reading it, and congrats on your anniversary!!

October 14, 2008 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger Zach and Whitney said...

Zach and I didnt have as "rough" start but that day I was really not sure. I just was so scared and I didnt want to grow up and move out of my parents house anymore. They did not cave in and allow us to move in the basement. Im glad they didnt. Congratulations on your anniversary. I can tell Poor Kyle really loves you if he stuck around all that time waiting. What a swell guy.

October 14, 2008 at 8:56 AM  
Blogger Jami said...

Oh Camille...I really do understand EVER feeling in there. I had so much fun reading that. I didn't think you were a bad person for moving to Europe while you were engaged. I thought it was a splendid idea.
PK, and Spencer really are nice guys for waiting around. As a matter of fact, I put "thanks for waiting" on the inside of Spencers wedding ring. IT was really cute till he lost it 2 months later, and still doesn't have a wedding band. Oh well.

October 14, 2008 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Lindsey Burnham said...

Ah, yes. I remember this all. But I do love Kyle for waiting for you, and for making you so happy! And I love this post.

And bless guys for being patient and waiting for us girls. I don't think they get as much credit as they deserve!

October 14, 2008 at 9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


It was great to see your relationship through your own eyes. I am so very glad to have PK in the family, even if it means you are all the way over in Canadia. You made the right choice!

P.S. See you in SEVEN HOURS!!!! I can't wait.

October 14, 2008 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger gus said...

Oh camille that is what i needed to hear. I am not joking I cried when I read it. And you know that is a big feat. I don't cry. But I love you and wish I were there for you. I Love kyle for making you happy.

October 14, 2008 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger gus said...

ps I just told Lindsay that I needed to make a make over on my blog but if i do it now it will look like I am a copy cat. wretched. Life, not you.

October 14, 2008 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger HeatherPride said...

It was great getting to know you guys better! And a happy ending, who doesn't love one of those?

October 14, 2008 at 10:58 AM  
Blogger Cristin said...

Wow, I read that whole thing and you sound like a crazy person.

I like your new background and header also.

October 14, 2008 at 12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I am so exhausted after reading all that. Talk about stress. Thanks for sharing.

October 14, 2008 at 12:38 PM  
Blogger Niki (Crum) Worthen said...

i wish i kept a journal. very interesting stuff!

October 14, 2008 at 6:21 PM  
Blogger Jonathan and Sarah said...

So it looks like you, Jami, and me all have similar stories that I'm aware of! It's so nice to know that I wasn't the only psycho, confused, crazy girl!! At least that's how I felt. Anyhow, thanks for the uplifting words about being husbandless. It really does stink but you're right. It does give you time to do whatever you please. :)

October 15, 2008 at 9:50 AM  
Blogger Niki (Crum) Worthen said...

i can't believe you're going to be in town for the carnival EITHER. please come! then i can meet you in person:) we really can be united pen pals after all!!

October 15, 2008 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Joel said...

Thanks for typing all that so we could know you better. It was cool to read your journal.

That said, I couldn't deal with all that... PK is a committed man. I'd've ran away scared.

October 15, 2008 at 1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was so cute!

October 15, 2008 at 4:10 PM  
Blogger angela hardison said...

That was fun to read. Happy Anniversary!

October 15, 2008 at 10:16 PM  
Blogger Liz and Navin Wood said...

I really enjoyed reading this blog! I wanted to wait till I was 25 as well but obviously that didn't happen! It took me a little over a year to make the decision but I'm glad I did! You and Kyle look so incredibly cute together!!
P.S. you are so gorgeous in your photos! I just always remember when my mom met you for the first time and she just thought you were such a gorgeous, nice person! You are totally awesome!!

October 16, 2008 at 5:35 PM  

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