Archives of Our Lives

{a narrow and broad look into the lives of people I love}

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My Best Friend's Uterus Has a Split Personality

So I have this friend. We’ll call her “B.” She’s pretty funny, as far as friends go. And by “pretty funny,” I actually mean “the life of every party.”

Here's a classic "us" moment caught on card. Don't ask.

Sometimes she names inanimate objects; she finds it comical, and usually I do too. She has a green Honda Accord called Stella, a love seat named Paxy, a sofa christened Alberta, and a MacBook who answers to Gregron (well he doesn’t answer, so to speak…because he’s not animate). She also has a stomach named Sam and a boyfriend named Tanner, who is not inanimate, but Tanner’s stomach Sally most certainly is.

What, that's not funny to you? I guess you have to know ‘em.

Anyway, I had the good fortune of talking to B today, and she carried on for the better part of 10 minutes about her latest naming frenzy:

“So how have you been, B?” I asked, because I really wanted to know.

“S,” she said mournfully, “I’ve seen better days.”

“Oh, no!” All was not well with my friend B, and I needed to get to the bottom of it. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, it’s this dad-gummed uterus of mine. Every month like clockwork it starts giving me the most horrific problems. Just today I was thinking it would be less painful if I cut it out with a searing-hot steak knife from Black Angus.”

“Ouch! That sounds like a problem indeed—they have surgeries for that, you know. But either way, I wouldn’t recommend Black Angus’ knives. I’ve eaten there before and they are a bit on the dull side. You’d be better off going to Outback.”

“Oh,” she thought aloud, a bit more cheerful, “I could go for some Outback,” she said. “Those bacon cheese fries…mmm... But that’s just Sam talking—Sam is my stomach, you know.”

“Oh, no, I hadn’t heard. Congratulations on another splendid name.”

“Thanks,” she replied. “Then again, it could be Eunice talking… She has that effect on me.”

“Sam and Eunice? Two stomachs, B? How’d you pull that one off? I thought only cows had two stomachs.” I was incredulous at the thought of all the bacon cheese fries she would now be able to consume.

“Actually, cows have seven stomachs. But that’s beside the point—Eunice isn’t a second stomach. She’s my uterus.”

“Oh. My. Well that sounds like a fitting name for a uterus.”

“Yes, I thought so. My uterus was causing me so much misery last month, I decided I needed to name it, and it needed to sound awful. Awful and ugly—because that’s how it makes me feel, you see. I wanted it to start with ‘U,’ since I’m all about alliteration, but the only name I could think of that started with a ‘U’ was ‘Ursula,’ and that’s ugly--

"But not ugly enough," I guessed.

"Right. Not ugly enough. In the end it had to be ‘Eunice.’”

“Well…Eunice is a pretty ugly name," I agreed. "But it doesn’t start with ‘U.’”

“I know—do you think I’m stupid? But I got over it because really it’s the ‘you’ sound I’m going for. It’s onomatopoeia or something like that—Ms White would know.”

“I hate Ms. White. She made the eighth grade so miserable for me. And ninth.”

“Me, too. Anyway, I was telling Tanner about how I named my uterus Eunice, and he seemed to feel really bad about it. He was all, ‘Lindsey, you might think your uterus is a Eunice now, but it will pass. I know it’s giving you problems, but someday it’s going to be a vital part of giving you children. You’re really going to be glad you have a uterus—maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow…but someday. I think you’ll have regrets if you name it Eunice.’”

“That’s what he said?” I clarified.

“That’s what he said,” she confirmed.

“He’s so good for you.”

“I know, right? He's a good man. So anyway, I asked him what he thought I should name my uterus, since he’d suddenly taken such a keen interest in it, and out of the clear blue, he goes, ‘Karla.’”

Karla?” I asked, again for clarification.

Karla,” she confirmed. Then she continued, “Well at first I was worried because I didn’t know about the name ‘Karla’ for my uterus—it sounded too sweet, somehow. But then it occurred to me that if it was spelled with a ‘C,’ it might not be so bad—“

“ ‘Cs’ are so much better than ‘Ks,’" I added.

“Totally. So I asked Tanner, ‘Carla with a C?’ and he said, ‘Of course, how else?’ and it So three weeks out of four, my uterus is called Carla with a ‘C,’ and the miserable week of the month when Tom is here [Tom…Time Of Month…get it?], it’s called Eunice.”

“With an ‘E,’” I added, for clarification.

“That’s right—Eunice with an ‘E.’”

That would have been the end of our conversation, had I not thought to ask, “Hey, B? That’s a really great story. You should blog about it. You could call it, ‘My Uterus Has a Split Personality.’ It would be amazing.

“Hey, that’s not a bad idea. It would be funny. Why don’t you do it, though? I’m too busy, and it would be better if you told the story. Tell it as if it were you.”

“You mean you would sell me the rights to your life stories? Like Kramer sold his life stories to the guy with the deep voice on Seinfeld?”

“Sure, why not?”

“You must really love me.”

“I do, S….I do.”



Blogger Rrramone said...

I had to read a post with such an interesting title. You got some writin' skillz.

Note to self: don't name any children Ursula. ;-)

April 23, 2008 at 4:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the story. When you two get together it must be nonstop laughs. (At least to anyone listening to you too.)

April 23, 2008 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger theycallmeaft said...

wow. i love this story the most because i know you two. funny funny stuff!

April 23, 2008 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger lindser-lou said...

this makes me want to watch Connie & Carla SOOOO bad! Just so i can hear the russian guy say it!!!! "Coh-OH-nee und Carrrr-la"...yeah, that didnt really work. Apparently typing with an accent is an acquired skill.

April 23, 2008 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger Adell Atwood said...


Wow. You're letting it all hang out on this one! Uterus, huh? Mom will be so proud. And by the way, that is still alliteration, even though Eunice doesn't begin with a U; alliteration is the repetition of sounds at the beginning of words, not necessarily the same letter. I.e., Fish fall fast while phoning.

P.S.: Perhaps check the lyrics of this song. They' explicit. Did you know?

April 23, 2008 at 2:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how silly- sounds like you two have lotsa fun!

April 23, 2008 at 4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how silly- sounds like you two have lotsa fun!

April 23, 2008 at 4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how silly- sounds like you two have lotsa fun!

April 23, 2008 at 4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no new post?

April 24, 2008 at 1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to say that I don't like when it was called t.o.m. (for time of month). There are better things that Tom can stand for. why must you use it for something that refers to Eunice's time.

April 24, 2008 at 2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no new post?

April 24, 2008 at 9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


April 25, 2008 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger Lindsey Burnham said...

'Tis true, 'tis true, 'tis true! I am the proud owner of Carla!!! Through good and bad, thick and thin.

And I have a correction for the story... Tanner (that animate object of mine.... haha) is not my BOYFRIEND, but my FIANCE!

April 26, 2008 at 1:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

adell, again, amidst agreement.., abandon, adept, adroit, alliterative ability, above address, agenda, alarm, alert.., about, aligned, alike, another allusive, amusing, appeal..,appends, applies, approves, ascends.., aside askew assembly.., assists assorted assuaged assumptive audience attendees.., attests attuned avowed, aware axiom.

(sorry, got a little goofy with the dictionary.i guess i'll read chapter of B tomorrow. you started it, thanks for smarties.)

April 26, 2008 at 4:48 AM  
Anonymous anonymous "audience" said...

dag nab it, "audience" don't fit.
hating the pathos of it.

April 26, 2008 at 5:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PREVIOUS COMMENT????????????????????

April 26, 2008 at 4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Camille, where are you? Your readers are going crazy.

April 26, 2008 at 4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's not crazy. it's art.

April 26, 2008 at 5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

camille get's it anyway. she's smarter than most of us.
if she did have issue with me, she has my email address. could get my phone number in half a minute.

April 26, 2008 at 5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


April 26, 2008 at 6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


(representation of many eyes, but one mouth)

April 26, 2008 at 7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Camille, I too am pining for a post. I also wanted to let you know something before I forgot. I'm not sure if you heard but my sister Bekah is living in France for 3 months. She is now updating her blog daily about all her adventures. Since you are so fond of traveling I thought you might enjoy it.


April 27, 2008 at 12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If i've heard it once, i've heard it twice. Don't rock the boat.

April 27, 2008 at 12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What in the heck does that mean?

April 27, 2008 at 3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you going through a midlife crisis? did you catch the flu? get in a car wreck? (and i'm deeply sorry if the last one is correct)

April 27, 2008 at 3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you going through a midlife crisis? did you catch the flu? get in a car wreck? (and i'm deeply sorry if the last one is correct)

April 27, 2008 at 3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

camille, i find children, and their neediness, annoying also. it seems you have more than a few needy readers on your hands. good luck with that. you're gestating many lost souls, you must be terribly hungry.

April 27, 2008 at 3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't rock the boat, means, most simply, applied here, get off the woman's back.

a few others for you to not get;
don't bite the hand that feeds you.
charity is a virtue.
elvis has left the building.
get a life.
you kids get out of my yard.

April 27, 2008 at 3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous "PREVIOUS COMMENT????????????"; what's your point? Grab a brain. Use your words. Look in the "YELLOW PAGES", for, "SYLVAN LEARNING CENTER".

April 27, 2008 at 3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Comment #30; multiple question marks, dot dot dot, more multiple question marks, comma, "WHAAAAAAAAHH", dot dot, "Camille, where are you", comma, "THERE'S NOTHING ON TV, PLEASE COME BACK AND CODDLE US",period.

*(underlying sense of despair and confusion not expressed in text)

April 27, 2008 at 4:10 PM  

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